Co-parenting during the COVID-19 pandemic

During the Shelter-in-place period in the Bay Area, I will be conducting all appointments by video conference or by phone during my regular business hours.

The following are some tips for parents—separating, separated or divorced—who are caring for children together.  These issues are important for co-parents to discuss in the challenging period of Coronavirus threat.

  • Social distancing in two households

    • Who else comes in contact with members of your household?

Separated and divorced parents are in it together now regarding infection risk, because your children go back and forth. It is important that both parents reduce their own and the children's exposure as much as possible, for everyone's sake. No one should have contact with anyone who isn't observing full social distancing. Significant others would need either to do this, too, or stop in-person contact with the parent and children.

Issues to discuss with your co-parent:  

  • If a parent had contact with someone who gets sick, they should self-isolate and avoid contact with the children.  Therefore, it would be helpful to discuss contingency plans in the event that this were to happen.

  • What kinds of children’s activities do you both feel comfortable with?

    • Shared care

    • Outside activities (hiking, biking)

    • Paid caregivers

  • Agreements about your children during the period of social distancing

    • What disclosures about your social life do you owe your co-parent?

When you separate, you usually lose the right to question your co-parent on their social life.  However, when there is a serious health crisis such as the one we are facing with Coronavirus, this often changes the ground rules between co-parents.  You may want to discuss this question and try to come to agreement with your co-parent on expectations you have about the others’ amount of contact with other people.  What doesn’t work well during a health crisis is telling your co-parent that it’s none of their business.

  • Structure and adhering to timeshare schedules

    • Does it make sense to keep your timeshares the same as they have been?

In general, the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC) recommends maintaining your timeshare and custody arrangements during the crisis, in order to minimize confusion and disruption.  

However, there may be times in which there is a need for greater flexibility, as one parent may be working (in person or remotely) during the crisis and the other parent at home with the children.  Do your best to work with your co-parent to figure out the best solution for care of your children.  This can also be a time for parents who usually have long work hours to spend more time with their children--so enjoy!

  • Exchanges – weren’t they stressful enough?

    • You may need to be flexible with drop-offs and pick-ups of your children, particularly if you usually minimize in-person exchanges of your children by utilizing schools or camps.  

As with other needed flexibility, no-drama exchanges benefit parents and children alike.  Do your best to avoid any potentially conflictual commentary during exchanges.  If you have trouble doing that, make a pact to refrain from any conversation at all, with the exception of a polite greeting, as you would speak with a coworker. 

  • Children with special medical needs

    • What special agreements are needed to protect your child’s health?

Children with special medical or psychological needs may not be at higher risk of contracting Coronavirus, but may have special challenges in understanding their increased danger and need for social distancing, hand washing and the like, and/or may be at higher risk if they do contract the virus.  Please consult your pediatrician or your child’s therapist for any particular recommendations.

  • What to do if you feel sick… or your child or co-parent does

    • How soon do you need to temporarily relinquish care of your children to the other parent – or to others?

Extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures.  Sometimes you may have to refrain from seeing your children for a while and ask your co-parent or a trusted caregiver to help out.  In the long run, it will be better for you and for your children.

Discuss with your co-parent the caregivers that you both agree are safe for your children.

  • It’s even more important to communicate frequently with your ex

Many co-parents have difficulty sustaining productive conversations with their exes, due to long-held unresolved issues or resentments.  While it’s not easy to push those aside, this high-risk health crisis may help all of us to put down our swords and communicate more thoughtfully with the other parent of your children.  

  • Cohabitating with your soon-to-be-ex during the shelter-in-place order

Some parents decided to separate, only to be delayed by shelter-in-place directives.  It can be challenging to live under the same roof with your co-parent when you know you have plans to physically separate.  At the same time, schools are closed and children are at home.  The best way to handle this is to practice patience and kindness during this stressful time -- with your co-parent and with your children.  Be sure to take your own “time-out” for brief periods to collect yourself and breathe.   

  • Special issues for parents with concerns about violence or abuse in the home.

It’s important for everyone to stay safe -- with regard to infection but also with regard to the threat of violence.  Unfortunately, it may be necessary to call 911 or Child Protective Services hotline during this time if you feel that you or your children are at risk.

  • What if you don’t agree with each other about any of the above?

 This may be the time to contact a co-parent counselor, mediator, parenting coordinator or other neutral professional who can help you deal with communications regarding your children.  Don’t hesitate to contact me if you’d like to discuss any of these topics with me, with or without your co-parent.

Stay safe!